


Embrace the Madness

by QuasiSolar



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Bathing/Washing, Caretaking, Crying, Depression, Depressive Episode, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurities, M/M, body issues, cuz i need it, soft, soft supportive woosan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:59:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24152443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QuasiSolar/pseuds/QuasiSolar
Summary: Wooyoung is spiraling, but San is there to make sure his landing is as soft as possible🌧☔💣🚿
Relationships: Choi San/Jung Wooyoung
Comments: 4
Kudos: 93





	Embrace the Madness

San would never tell him that, but he felt Wooyoung’s drop coming days before it happened. He was due, one could say. It was sadly inevitable, just the way Wooyoung functioned, as San got a chance to learn over the years of knowing him. He recognised it in Wooyoung’s often inadequate enthusiasm, restlessness, outbursts of uncontrollable laughter, oftentimes in completely unfitting moments, but most importantly in his eyes, one moment unfocused and absent, the second sparkling with hysterical enthusiasm. The boy was reaching a breaking point, and it’s going to be a tough one, if his borderline maniacal mood throughout the week was anything to go by. San observed with unease as his smile started to get more and more strained, as if plastered to his face with glue. He watched the madness and desperation in Wooyoung’s eyes to keep the smile in place, even though doing so looked as if it caused him physical pain, but he would desperately not let it drop, because when it does, it may never come back. Wooyoung was lagging, dozing off and staring into nothingness until somebody did something to snap him back to reality. He was also quicker to snap and lash out at any occasion, only to laugh hysterically a moment later. His ability to ignore inconvenient questions and comments was almost scary, concerning at best. Sometimes he would act as if he simply didn’t hear you, even if you stood right in his face. He would just zone out for a second and move on with the conversation as if the question hasn’t been asked. So yeah, it was only a matter of time before he spiraled. But San is going to be there once it happens.

Of course, San wasn’t the only one to notice. The others saw it, too. It was hard not to, honestly, given that they spent almost every moment of their lives together and knew each other inside out. And no matter how hard they tried to act normal around him, it affected their everyday life, siping into their life like a poison, burning holes in everyone around on its way. The boys felt uneasy, with this stinky elephant in their practice room, tiptoeing around, careful not to say something that would tick Wooyoung off. San saw all of their glances filled with various mixture of anxiousness, sadness and concern. He felt frustration radiating from Hongjoong, as he couldn’t do anything to help, or even ease the process. Trying to act normally was their best and only strategy so far. Going by experience, addressing the problem would be met with either them being brushed off by an annoyed hand or lashed at for “overinterpreting” and “mendling in not their business”. So waiting helplessly until the thread breaks was their only option. And it wasn’t long before it did.

***

That day Wooyoung came to the practice late, brushed off Hongjoong’s tame suggestions to take the day off and joined the dancing boys without warming up. He was grumpy from the beginning, trying his best and getting more and more frustrated at not being able to get the moves right. The atmosphere was tense, no one was at their best performance. San saw everybody exchange concerned looks. Wooyoung must have seen them too, but he successfully ignored them, and instead focused on the choreography.

They were dancing to ‘Answer’, and right before the final bulleo bulleo, as Wooyung was supposed to do a spin in the front, a sudden pain pierced from his knee through his whole body. He grimaced and instinctively landed on the other leg, but he failed to catch his balance in time and the momentum had him crushing to the floor with a loud thud. He landed on his side, and froze, confused at being torn from his trance, as if his brain hasn’t caught up with the fact that they’re on the floor now. He vaguely registered all the boys standing motionless now as the song came to an end and the room fell silent. And then San was there, crouched in front of him, with a worried expression without a doubt, though Wooyoung didn’t dare look. He didn’t dare to do anything, in fear of the tears, suddenly burning his eyes, falling free.

“Woo…” San whispered and gently put his hand on the boy’s trembling shoulder. He squeezed it hard, trying to will the trembling away, and all Wooyoung’s demons with it, while he’s at it. Unfortunately, it was not that easy.

“All right guys, that's enough for today. We all need some rest.” Hongjoong ordered, turning off the record player and already gathering his stuff. Then he slowly approached the boys on the floor. “San will help you to your room, where you can rest until tomorrow. And you’d better do so, cuz we have a busy schedule ahead of us.” Then he joined crouching San and added more gently. “Do you need anything?” When Wooyoung didn’t react he turned his gaze to San.

“No, we’re good. I've got this. Thank you, hyung.” Hongjoong nodded and stood up to rush other member to leave.

San noticed Yeosang, who was looking in their direction with concern written all over his face. When he met San’s eyes, he collected himself and gave San a reassuring nod before leaving the room. San smiled softly. Yeosang helped him a lot in understanding Wooyoung’s episodes, once he saw that the boy gravitated towards San in those times, as he had experience with dealing with the boy’s drops from the past. And San was grateful for the trust he put in him. He often saw the love and affection in Yeosang’s eyes when Wooyoung wasn’t looking, and the worry eating him up when he was getting worse. It must have been extremely hard putting his best friend in someone else’s hands and backing away, when he realised that’s what Wooyoung needed, and San was not going to let him down. Neither of them.

“Wooyoung? Can you stand up?” San asked once they were alone. He carefully put his other hand on the boy’s injured knee and tried to meet his eyes, but the hair that fell to his face successfully prevented that from happening. Wooyoung didn’t answer, but also didn’t protest when San carefully helped him up. He quickly grabbed their bags, grateful to whoever packed them, and they slowly made their way to their rooms. They didn’t talk on the way, San supporting Wooyoung’s weight just in case, even though he no longer seemed to be in pain.

***

As they reach Wooyoung’s and Yeosang’s room, San checks, but it is empty. San exhales and nods to himself, determined. It’s all in his hands now. But that’s ok. He’s got this. He turns around and finds Wooyoung standing in the middle of the room, absently staring at the wall. San puts on his calmest smile and approaches the boy slowly.

“Hey Wooyoung? Wanna take a shower and watch something?” When the boy doesn’t react, San touches his shoulder to get his attention. Wooyoung blinks and slowly moves his gaze to San’s face. And San can’t help but smile. “Hi.” He grabs both of the boy's shoulders and squeezes them. “How about you take a shower and I’ll prepare everything for when you get out, hm?” Wooyoung doesn’t answer for a while, then looks back away. San presses his lips together, and tries again. “Hey, come on. Let’s get you washed up, ok?” He grabs Wooyoung’s hand and leads him to the bathroom. The boy goes without resisting, but doesn’t make any effort to do anything else. San waits, but Wooyoung doesn’t move. “All right then, we’ll shower together.” He searches the boy’s face for any sign of distress. When he doesn't find any he goes to turn on the shower and set the water. Then he carefully helps Wooyoung out of his clothes and guides him under the warm stream. “Is the water ok?” He asks, and without waiting for an answer he quickly undresses and joins the boy in the shower. He stands behind Wooyoung’s back and waits, letting him play with the water. The boy watches it flow between his fingers, then hides his face in his hands and sobs.

Minutes pass, with water falling over Wooyoung’s head and San’s strong embrace around him. Eventually the tears stop, and he gradually quiets down. San waits for the hiccups to stop, then he shifts. He gently grabs Wooyoung’s hands, and when the boy doesn’t resist, he pulls them from his face. He tries to meet Wooyoung’s eyes.

“You with me?”

“Yeah…” Wooyoung answers, in a barely audible whisper. San smiles and squeezes his hands. He un-plasteres himself from the boy’s back and reaches for the sponde and the soap.

“Is it ok if I wash you?” When Wooyoung nods, San soaps up the sponge and carefully starts washing Wooyoung’s back. He gently covers every inch, letting the water wash off the foam. He then does his arms and hands, between the fingers, then his armpits. He washes Wooyoung’s chest, but when he moves down, with an intention to wash his belly, the boy grabs his hand and stops him. San tries to look at his face, but Wooyoung turns away. All he sees is that the boy’s lower lip is trembling again.

“Hey, look at me.” San waits for Wooyoung to reluctantly turn his way. “It’s ok.” He whispers. “Let me.” He stares him in the eyes, and when the boy doesn’t react, he continues. “You are so, so strong. And beautiful. You don’t know how much I look up to you. You’re just too hard on yourself. I wish… God, I wish I could show you how wonderful you are. All of you.” San waits, but when the boy still doesn’t react, he sighs and lets go of his middle. “It’s all right. Let me wash your hair, then. Here, sit down.” He moves a stool near the stream and Wooyoung sits down obediently.

San washes Wooyoung’s hair in silence, massaging his scalp. When he’s done, he moves to sit cross legged in front of the boy. He takes the soap and washes Wooyoung’s feet. He moves up, but hesitates when he reaches the boy’s knee.

“May I?” Wooyoung looks down, questioningly. “Does it still hurt?” The corners of Wooyoung’s lips turn downwards and the boy looks away.

“Sometimes…”

“Yeah.” San hums, and starts washing the boy’s knee, as gently as possible. “I’m sorry.”

“... yeah.”

When he’s done with Wooyoung’s legs, San stands up and gathers his clothes.

“Do the rest and I’ll be right back.”

San quickly dries himself off, then goes to prepare the bed and get them fresh clothes. When he comes back, he finds Wooyoung in the same position he left him in, playing with the sponge. San sighs and takes a dry towel.

“Come on, Woo. Let’s get you out.”

This time Wooyoung cooperates and stands up on his own, letting himself be wrapped in a soft towel and dried off. Then San helps him into a fresh T-shirt and shorts. They move to the bed and as they get comfortable, Hongjoong drops by with sandwiches.

“Can you eat?” Wooyoung grimaces and turns away. Cute, San thinks and smiles.

“All right. Can you sit up and drink some water for me, then?” Wooyoung reluctantly obliges and drinks some. San guides the boy’s head to his lap, covers them both with a blanket and starts drawing circles on Wooyoung’s arm until he feels the boy relax. Once his breathing even out and San thinks he’s fallen asleep, he hears a whisper.

“San?”

“Yeah?” He whispers back.

“I’m sorry.” San looks at the boy, surprised for a second, and then sighs.

“Don't ever be. You did nothing wrong. I… we love you so, so much. Don't ever forget that. We’re all so lucky to have you. Because sometimes… you’re just sad for all of us. And I just hope… I just wish that you could share some of this sadness with me, you know?”

“...I know.” Silence. “San?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.” This time San smiles.

“Don’t mention it.”

“I mean it. I wouldn't be here without you. And the others. So, thank you. Really.” He turns around to look San in the eyes properly and is crushed by the warmth of San’s smile. As he tries to regain his composure, San shifts, so that they’re both laying down, and this time he crushes him with his embrace.

“Come on, let’s get some sleep. We can watch something later.”

And Wooyoung dozes off into nothingness, feeling better than he’s felt in weeks, calm and safe in San’s reassuring embrace. His last conscious thought is that once he wakes up, he can face any problems coming his way with the other boy on his side.

**Author's Note:**

> Writing to avoid responsibilities n feeling empty TM 
> 
> also very dramatic title ik


End file.
